Relationships: Thoughts to Ponder When You Are Having Trouble!

So many times, clients struggle with basic concepts about life and relationships. They blame, confuse and repeat the same patterns over and over again when that really isn't necessary. Following are some of the things that need to be considered when you are having problems in a relationship.

1. You are responsible for your own emotions.
2. Each person chooses how s/he will respond to situations and people.
3. Avoiding another person will not solve a relationship problem. (In fact, it might make it worse).
4. Bringing up the past over and over again will not help with the present or the future.
5. Trying to reason with another person might not work - if the other person is unreasonable, stuck in a position or not willing to listen.
6. Ask yourself why this is so important to you. Perhaps you are stuck in an old pattern of negativity that needs to change.
7. People can waste a lot of time and energy trying to prove that they did or didn't do something. Let it go!
8. Remember that feeling sorry for someone is dangerous.
9. Ask yourself "Will this matter in ten years?" (The truth is "This too shall pass").
10. Sometimes you just have to ask forgiveness or give forgiveness and move on.
11. All each person has for opportunities are today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone and cannot be changed.
12. There are specific steps that can help to resolve conflict. The first is to define the problem.
13. Talk together about the solutions to the problem and choose the agreed upon path to walk together.
14. Understand that the past is a good predictor for reoccurrence in behavior in the future.
15. Know your bottom line. What are the things that you absolutely cannot tolerate or accept?
16. Have a firm plan that you will follow if the things that you cannot tolerate or accept appear.
17. Follow your plan without re-negotiating, trying to reason or convince the other person of your perspective.
18. Focus on how to have a good day rather than analyze problems every day.
19. Say what you want instead of what you don't want.
20. Know where you stop and the other person begins. (Enmeshment is when you do not know the line).
21. Set healthy goals for your thinking, behavior and relationship.
22. Do not make threats of anything that you will not be able to do.
23. Follow through consistently.
24. Use positive self-talk (affirmations) to build a positive life.
25. Seek professional help when you are stuck.

Every single day you have the chance to start over and improve the relationship but that takes forgiveness and a genuine desire to see both the other person and your partnership grow. Be very careful about what you say and do because you just never know when things could end and leave you in a lonely situation.
On the other hand, be realistic about the relationship. If it does not provide both of you with an environment that will promote health, perhaps it is time to end it.
Think carefully before you do anything!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6685311

The Answer For Jealousy

At one time or another every couple must delve into their core regarding issues of jealousy, bound in securities sometimes previously untapped.
The single person isn't immune, either. Their jealousies are camped in distances of awkwardness. So much so there may be no reasonable outlet.
Jealousies affect us all, if that sense of possessiveness is exacted to the point where trust is corroded. This issue is decked in the fact of our insecurity for dim and dark grievances hid, unresolved, in the past.
THE CHALLENGE OF RECONCILIATION
The practice of moulding the warped aspects of our pasts into a more usable future is the process of reconciliation - not between us and another, but it's settling indifferent nuances in our own personalities.
We have our desires, and we have our exposures to the truth; both these, can at times, run at cross purposes to each other. We can love someone and hate how they interact with their world at the same time. Or, they might tantalise us, feeding our desires, yet we never run past first base.
These are not their problems; they are ours.
The challenge of reconciliation is to resolve the root cause of our jealousy before it impacts on trust-with the associated longer term ramifications; those we cannot afford.
CONNECTING JEALOUSY WITH THE EROSION OF TRUST
The truth of the matter is a dividing one.
With each encroaching jealous move we reinforce a lack of trust that may not even be valid, for we have allowed other factors - not simply the virtue of our partner - to cloud our judgment. Again, these are linked, most often, with troubled incidents within our past, some buried so deeply we've forgotten them, but they still hinder us.
A very practical challenge - and therefore a key opportunity - in understanding this connection - jealousy and the erosion of trust - is to elicit and extend trust, deliberately.
This may be very difficult for a jealous person to do. But it isn't impossible. And it says so much for the value of the relationship that, even though there is a risk taken trusting someone, it can only help the relationship if that relationship has, indeed, a future we believe in.
There is no sense in not doing this, because if we're betrayed as a through the agency of our trust we gave it our best shot. And though we may be hurting, it's a better sort of hurt than to stand as the destroyer of a relationship because we didn't act on those irrational impulses of jealousy.
Jealousies exist because of buried insecurities, unresolved from the past. The only way forward is to deliberately give trust, and to look for evidence where trust is vindicated. Possessiveness in relationships is caustic. Instead, we must simply trust because the relationship depends on it.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6683823

Is Your Partner Negative About Your Weight Loss Efforts?

If you have a partner who is getting turned off and negative about your weight loss effort, do not think you are alone. A lot of people around the world experience the same problem. There are actually many reasons why your weight loss efforts may be becoming a relationship obstacle. Here are some of them.
You Spend Less Time With Your Partner
This is the single biggest reason why weight loss and relationships don't always mix. When you embark on your fitness goals, you not only begin to spend more time at your gym or on your favorite jogging track, but you may also begin to regulate your sleeping cycle. All this may mean cutting back on quality time with your partner.
To overcome this obstacle, try to involve your partner in your fitness efforts. For instance, you could plan a Sunday outing together that involves a physically challenging activity, such as hiking, biking or swimming. If you enjoy the same sport, you could even join a group together. This way your partner will not feel like they are missing out on you.
Secret Jealousy...
Do not be alarmed. It is quite natural, actually. If you begin to put in an effort at looking better, your partner may begin to feel threatened, especially if they themselves are out of shape. You may not have started out with the conscious objective of attracting the opposite sex, but that becomes a very distinct possibly. A lot of people have observed that their partners consciously and sub-consciously try to sabotage their weight loss efforts. For instance, knowing that you are on a diet, your partner may take you out to a burger joint.
In such a circumstance, rather than reacting negatively, you need to reassure your partner that your weight loss effort is a healthy effort for the relationship as well. when you are fitter and better looking, it will help your psyche and overall well-being, which will directly affect the relationship. If you can, encourage your partner to join you as well.
Inconvenient Lifestyle Changes
Perhaps you have set your alarm for 5 am, when your partner is fast asleep. Or you have stopped stocking some favorite goodies at home. Either way, your lifestyle changes are inadvertently inconveniencing your partner, and they are only protesting this fact.
Pursue your fitness and weight loss by all means, but if you are aware that there are aspects of your new lifestyle which disturb your partner, you need to work around them. And that can only happen when you sit and discuss the whole matter with your partner. A lot of couples let matters brew till it becomes a fight, and then it is usually too late to resolve things.
You Are Rubbing It In
If your partner is out of shape, while you are doing your best with your fitness and weight loss goals, it can cause conflict. People give subtle and not so subtle hints to their significant others, and sometimes even put them down and make them feel low and discouraged. Is there anything that you have said or done that may have made your partner feel this way? If that's the case, you know that it is not your weight loss that is causing trouble with your relationship, but your attitude. Encouragement only works, when it is offered positively.
Finally, you need to remember that balancing weight loss with your relationship is not impossible. All it may take is clear communication and some tact from your end, and some understanding from your partner.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6683763

Five Unhealthy Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families

This Christian relationship help will give you five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families that were also present in families in the Old Testament. God created families to be a place of nurture, love, and companionship, but when sin entered the picture, families became a place where people hurt other people they are supposed to love.
Here are the five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families:
Deadly Jealousy: It is normal to be jealous of your siblings, but not to the degree that you are willing to cause them real harm. Cain killed his brother, Abel, out of jealousy. Cain believed that God favored his brother and hated him. God tried to tell him that it was his own actions that were the cause of God's rejection of his sacrifice, but he only focused on his brother, blaming him instead. Jealousy often comes from a skewed perception and an inability to look at oneself.
Favored Coalitions: A coalition occurs when one family member conspires with one member against another. Mothers and fathers often collude with one child against the other parent or against another child. Rebekah favored her son Jacob and Isaac favored his son Esau. Jacob and Rebekah then schemed to trick Isaac into giving him Esau's blessing. Esau hated his brother for tricking him and the family was split, as often happens. Coalitions hurt relationships and result in unhealthy alliances.
Poor Parenting: Due to all the problems the parents are dealing with, there is a tendency to do a bad job at parenting. It can be the result of poor boundaries, reactivity, inconsistency, anger, abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Priest Eli did a great job raising Samuel (Hannah's son) who he took under his care, but allowed his own sons to be disobedient. As a result, he brought judgment on his whole family line. Poor parenting has an effect on further generations, because it perpetuates poor choices that have consequences.
Family Shame: Whether a person is responsible for a problem or not, everyone feels responsible and ashamed. Amnon, David's son, raped his half-sister, Tamar. David did nothing about it. Absalom told his sister to be quiet about what happened. Absalom and Tamar held the shame that belonged to Amnon and it split the family and ruined Tamar's life and eventually resulted in Absalom killing Amnon and then David refusing to have a relationship with Amnon. Family shame destroys lives.
Masked Manipulation: Dysfunctional family members use masked manipulation to get what they want. This includes guilt, neediness, threats, lies, cover-ups, blame, and trickery. Lot's daughters got him drunk and then slept with him to have children. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then put her husband on the front line to have him killed. Laban tricked Isaac into marrying his daughter Leah instead of Rachel. Manipulation comes from self-centeredness that is willing to hurt another person.
It is no surprise that families still have problems today when you can see how dysfunction has been there from the beginning. Recognizing these five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families is the first step in making changes that will make your family more functional and healthy.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6682937

You Cannot Make Me

We often want to hold others responsible for the way we feel or react. This is a popular but relational fallacy. The truth is that no one can make you say or do anything. We choose how we feel and react. Have you ever asked a small child why they ill treated a sibling? Those conversations typically go something like this.
Adult - "Johnny, why did you kick your brother"?
Child - "Well, because he hit me"!
The logic behind this reasoning is that the brother's hitting made Johnny kick him. It is therefore the brother's fault. If only the brother did not hit Johnny, he would not have been kicked. Don't you find it strange that adults also reason this way? You can ask many people why they had an affair, quite often their answers would be: "Well, he/she did such and such, so now I..." How can another person's wrong actions justify our wrong reactions? The truth is that no one can make you do anything. Yes, you cannot make me say or do anything I do not want to do or say. You can even put a gun to my head and tell me to do this or that, but if I choose not to, you cannot make me, and there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you shoot me, you have still not succeeded in forcing me to do or say anything. What a powerful thought!
Yes, other people can hurt and harm us. They can do terrible things to us. Refusing to cooperate when placed under duress may have severe consequences (it is not advocated to refuse to comply when you or a loved one is in danger). The point is simply that no one can make us react the way they want to without our consent. This means that:
· You control your feelings;
· You control what you say;
· You control what you do.
You have control of you, others don't. Similarly, you cannot make your spouse do or say anything; just give up trying. Regardless of what others do to us, we still choose what we say and what we do. So in future forget the argument or justification that you did what you did because he/she...
We can no longer blame others for what we do or say. We need to take responsibility for what we say and do without blaming others. We can take control of ourselves. We do not have to react negatively. We do not have to be mean. We can choose to be kind; no matter what was done to us.
Do not let others control you to be like them when they are mean. You have the power. You have the choice. Use it wisely.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6675937

Making People Give Their Very Best

Every person has a special gift, talent, and ability that God has placed inside of her for the fulfillment of the vision that God has called her to fulfill. Just as finding that vision is a part of this journey, so is developing this foreordained gift. It takes a good motivator to help someone not only discover her vision but bring out and harness her God-given talents and abilities.
The very essence of this article is to help you bring out the best in others... your spouse, your children, your friends, your co-workers, your staff, your congregation, your other family members, etc.
FIND OUT WHAT THEY LOVE TO DO.
Some people do not know where they are good at or what their talents are. Some have so many different talents that they are confused as to what they should really do. The first thing to do really is to find out what the person loves doing the most. What is she most passionate about? What, among the things she does, lights up her face when she does it? What does she do with so much ease? These are just some of the questions you can ask to help the person find out what her strongest points are.
When it comes to children, you will know right away what their inclinations are. My eldest, Justin, used to turn boxes into cars, robots, and computers. I knew then that he would end up either as an inventor or an artist. He is a graphics artist now and he is the one who designed the God'z Gurlz logo. My youngest, Rico, has always been fascinated with how things work or why they work the way they do. He loved experimenting. He would get cornstarch, mix it with water and would get amazed at how the mixture's viscosity changes when pressure is applied to it. He is currently in 9th grade and excels in Math and Science. I recently asked him what he thinks he will do after high school or what he would like to take up in College. He said he wants to get into computer programming. See the pattern here?
Observing your kids is no different from observing other people you want to motivate. Find out where their strengths lie and motivate them in that area. Give them something to do that will enable them to develop their gifts. This is the main reason why I have been encouraging women who I know have the gift to write, to take part in our magazine. I want to see them develop that gift to the fullest, for the glory of God.
CATCH PEOPLE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
It is so easy to catch people doing something wrong. We always call our children's attention when they are not behaving the way we want them to, but we hardly catch them doing the right thing. Or if we do, we don't compliment them in the same way or in a better way than when we are correcting them.
We should be "compliment" conscious than "finding fault" conscious. We have to be on the lookout for things to compliment about others, not to flatter them but to encourage them. There is a saying that goes... Flattery comes from the teeth out but compliment comes from the heart out.
CORRECT THE RIGHT WAY.
The Bible says that "the wise loves correction". In fact, correcting others is helping bring out the best in them. However, there is a right way of correcting others so that you will build them up and not break their spirits.
Proverbs 15:4 says that a gentle tongue is a tree of life, but willful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit.
A correction that is done in a gentle way and not a harsh way is the right way of correction. Another right way is to focus first on what the person did right, and then present the thing to be corrected in a way that will let her know that you believe she can do better.
Let me give you an example here. If a person who submits an article to me has a real good article but lacks the impact that it needs to capture an audience, then the right way of correcting would be
You have a real good article. This can surely reach out to so many hurting women. You can even make it more impactful by choosing more powerful words.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
I think I first heard this from the movie Bambi and it did make a lot of sense to me even as a kid. Why say something if you are just going to hurt the other person? And yet there are people who always say the wrong things not because they want to inflict hurt but because they don't know how to say things the right way.
Proverbs 16:24 says: Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the mind and healing to the body. The opposite holds true for rude or "uncalled for" remarks.
I had a friend and sister in the Lord (very skinny and small-framed) who is a very nice person and a deep woman of God yet always says the wrong things. Let's just call her Fiona. One time we were in an elevator on our way to a Bible study. One of our friends with us was a bigger lady. Fiona looked at her and said, "You will look more beautiful if you lose weight". I was so shocked and called Fiona aside and asked her why she said what she said. Her answer was, "What was wrong with that"? She really looked so surprised with my reaction. She didn't know what was wrong with her remark.
I have experienced the same thing for myself several times. I had a friend who saw me in a supermarket a few months after I gave birth and she said in her loudest voice, "What happened to you? Why are you so fat now"? I just stood there so shocked and embarrassed.
Ephesians 4:29 says... Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
BELIEVE THE BEST IN PEOPLE.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love is ever ready to believe the best of every person. This means that you always look at people positively, focusing on their strengths more than their weaknesses. When you start believing in people, you are encouraging them to believe more in themselves, the way God created them to be.
Bringing the best in people is such a fulfilling thing to do because you see them become the people who God made them to be... people who are confident of how they were uniquely designed... people who utilize their gifts to the fullest, giving glory to God... people who in turn become an encouragement to others. In effect, it also brings out the best in you.
Whoever refreshes others will be refreshed (Proverbs 11:25).

Lisa Maki is the founder of God'z Gurlz, a Bible-based online magazine for women whose mission is to is to provide a place where women can learn to manage their emotions, experience healing, receive love and acceptance, be free to be who God made them to be, and be the best they can be in their homes, schools, professions, relationships, and calling, through sharing of insights and experiences, counseling, prayer, and devotionals, thereby learning from and supporting each other.

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How To Handle Difficult Relationships

Sometimes it can seem like an uphill battle to keep all of the people in our lives happy. Spending time and with a partner or best friend might be joyous, but often, when it comes to 'perfectionist' mother, 'pushy' business colleague, 'interfering' aunt, 'demanding' father, we are faced with a real challenge.
Assuming you want to keep these people in your life, here are some tips that I've found can help develop a relationship that works:
Listen:
We all know the stereotypical mother/daughter telephone call. It goes on for hours - much of which is characterised by the mother talking continuously while the daughter holds the phone away from her ear because she thinks she might as well not be there.
This kind of one-way conversation often happens because people have no-one who actually listens to them - they keep talking because they just want to be heard. In this situation, and in all our dealings with others, active listening is transformational. So, next time, stop for a second before you roll your eyes. Breathe, forget everything else and engage your ears. Listen really hard. Pay attention to the speaker. We can often be too busy formulating what we want to say next to really hear what someone's saying. If you feel a response rising up, breathe again and listen even harder.
Be honest but don't push their buttons:
Don't fake it or lie. It might seem like the easy thing to do, but your sense of discord over the untruth will cloud any hope of moving the relationship to a better place.
If challenged, check your initial desire to respond by breathing. Feel your connection to the ground and take a moment before you open your mouth - think about how you want to respond, bearing in mind the relationship you want to create with this person.
Be honest, but don't focus on the things that you know will push their buttons. It seems like an easy win, but like something I read on Facebook this week - you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. If you give the same old response you'll get the same old thing, and you're looking for something new, right?
Breathe
I've used that word a lot in the last couple of paragraphs and that's because it's mighty important.
Give yourself just a second to curb your instinctive reaction and allow something else to step in its place. That's all that's needed to turn something around. Breathing is under-rated - it connects us with our body, our values and, in turn, our true selves.
Find the common ground
The key to joy in a relationship is the common ground.
What do you both have in common? These don't have to be huge things - little things work wonders! Perhaps you and your work colleague both love cats? Well, talk about the stupid thing your cat did earlier. Maybe you used to watch Sci-Fi movies with your father as a kid - go hire one for the weekend. Do you and your Aunt both love baking bread? Find a new recipe, copy it and send it through the post with a note.
Little things, teased out with thought can build huge bridges.
Nurture a shared vision.
Relationships flourish with a shared vision.
You may not have the same idea for your future as your mother, but perhaps there is something in there that you both envisage and can be nurtured. Maybe it's that you want a family? Maybe it's that you want to move out to the countryside? Maybe it's simply that you want to be happy? Whenever you get the chance, reinforce that shared vision with words and actions. A truly calm, well-intentioned statement of, 'I'm doing this because I want to be happy' speaks to the depths of a person whose heart-felt wish for you is for you to be happy.
There's a lot here. So, my challenge to you is to pick one relationship that you will consciously work on over the next few weeks. Think about how your life interacts with theirs, what you have in common and what your shared vision might be. Then, the next time you interact with that person really listen to them, be honest but gentle and remember to breathe!

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